“The secret sorrows – and future difficulties – of the good boy or girl begin with their inner need for excessive compliance …. Their goodness is a necessity rather than a choice.”
When you were hurt, the good girl role became your refuge, your necessity. Given what you knew and believed at the time, it was the best that you could do.
But how do you move forward now, as an adult woman?
It starts with treating yourself as your own beloved child.
It starts with looking into your daughter’s eyes and deciding that – for her sake – you’re going to do the work of learning to accept yourself.
Your mind is telling you that you’re a failure, that you should never have worn the sequined costume and risked the stage.
But the good news is, you don’t have to believe your thoughts. You can let your mind yammer on while you find a picture of yourself when you were little.
Really study it. (Here’s one of mine.)
Imagine that this child is your child. Imagine that you are her parent. Do you despise her for doing what she did, for making the choices that she made when she was scared and lonely?
I don’t think so. I’m guessing there’s at least a glimmer of compassion, a flicker of empathy.
If that’s too much of a stretch, get a picture of your favorite animal. Maybe it’s a dog that leaps with exuberance at the sight of you, or a cat that curls up with you when you sleep.
It’s probably clear to you that this animal is good, simply because it is itself.
So ask yourself: What if the same is true for me? What if I am whole, even when I feel broken? What if my deepest reality is light, not darkness?
It’s so tiring to hate yourself, honey. And do you know why that is? Because it’s exhausting to believe a lie.
Every loving thing that has ever happened to you was real. Everything else is just illusion.
Go for the real thing.
Could you relate to “The Good Girl”? Join the conversation in the comments section below!
*This email represents a compilation of real comments sent in by blog readers.
Liked this post? Receive your free Perfectionist Recovery Toolkit, featuring Getting Real & Letting Go: A Collection of Quotes for Recovering Perfectionists, the 5 Day Good Girl’s Guide to Getting Real Email Challenge, & more!
You’ll also get posts via email & Your Weekend Wish, a fun weekly missive for subscribers only.
Solemn No Spam Vow: I promise never to share your email with anyone else.