Recently I was at a medical appointment and the nurse asked me about my religious affiliation.
The question took me aback, in part because I wasn’t expecting it and in part because I didn’t know how to answer it.
How could I be honest and also fit my answer into a box on the intake form? The words stuck in my throat.
“Hi friend, how are you doing today? Thinking of you and sending love your way.”
I press send on the text, then click my phone screen off. I know better than to expect an immediate response from friends who hide away when they’re struggling.
My friend deals with depression and anxiety, and I know that this is a challenging time for her. I also know that when things get tough she tends to go dark.
Still I send the message and the love anyway. I pray that it can help her to defy the voices that tell her that she’s a bad friend, that she’s just bringing everybody down, that nobody cares.
Sure, sometimes her virtual disappearances get frustrating, but I know that that’s because I do the same.
“I say ‘I’m sorry’ a LOT, usually when it’s not necessary. I apologize for existing.”
“I’m so tired of fighting myself … For the last 17 years I spend my days in service to precious elders and give all that I can, yet inside me I feel like I am never, ever enough. The perfectionist in me doesn’t seem to be silenced.”
“I’m so very, very, very tired Caroline! …. I’m at war with myself and know deep down I don’t have to be.”*
