Category Archives: Active Rebellion & The Gift Of Doing Things Differently

To See Beauty First: A Video

Hello and Happy Monday!

Since I’m traveling this week, I’d like to share a video with you in lieu of the usual post. It’s a 10 minute talk I gave as part of the Faith Inclusion Network’s March 2013 “That All May Worship” conference. (I thank Karen Jackson for her wonderful work in organizing the event, and for sending me the recording as well.)

A Wish Come Clear readers who receive posts via email may recall the story I sent out about my experience speaking at the conference two months ago; it’s reprinted below.

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Please pardon the at-times-loud background noise in the recording (but if you’ve read the story, you’ll have a good idea why that’s happening). Enjoy!

This past weekend, I traveled to Norfolk, Virginia for the Faith Inclusion Network’s biannual, “That All May Worship” conference. I was honored to be a guest speaker at the opening banquet, and to lead a breakout session on L’Arche* as well.

At the Thursday night banquet, I was the first speaker to take the stage. The usual shivers ran through my stomach; the usual adrenaline pumped through my veins. But once I started speaking, everything else fell away, and I was able to lose myself in the stories.

That is, until I heard a masculine voice coming from the foyer. It was loud, yelling something I couldn’t distinguish. I thought it sounded angry, but I couldn’t be sure.

I kept on speaking without pause, but inside, I wondered, Who could it be? Are they supposed to be here? What’s going on? I couldn’t see the person, but for a moment, I was afraid. Visions of violence moved through my mind; was it some kind of radical protester, intent on harm? I didn’t dare turn my head to look.

***

But then, as the man and his companions moved toward the center of the room, I realized: here was a man with special needs, coming in late, just making some noise. No big deal. I felt my shoulders relax, and a smile spread across my face. Thank God! It wasn’t any of the terrible things I’d feared. It was going to be all right.

In fact, I actually felt more comfortable giving my talk after that young man came in. Why? He reminded me of my friends at L’Arche (some of whom are wont to purr and shout phrases in Spanish during Catholic Mass). With his arrival, I felt as though I was among family.

Oftentimes I think we get so afraid of what might happen that we are blind to what is happening. We get all worked up about something we perceive as terrible, when in reality, we’re just frightened by our own thoughts, our own imaginings.

***

I wish I’d had the chance to meet that man after I spoke; if I had, I would have thanked him. I wish I could have told him how he helped me, how glad I was that he had come to the event.

As Amy Julia Becker wrote in her recent post, Missing Out on Beautiful, “I feel as though I have been let in on a cosmic secret because when I look at Penny, I see her beauty before I see anything else.” (Amy Julia’s daughter, Penny, has Down syndrome.)

When I read those lines today, I couldn’t help but think of the stranger, the man from the conference last weekend. It’s clear to me now: he was beautiful because he reminded me of those I love.

And love is what gives us the ability to see beauty first.

***

How do you ‘see beauty first’? Join the conversation in the comments!

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*L’Arche (French for ‘The Ark’) is a faith-based non-profit that creates homes where people with and without intellectual disabilities share life together.

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What Do I Have to Offer? A Story of Wine, Wonder, & Worth

As she spoke, the rest of the women in the circle grew still.

We were gathered to celebrate a friend expecting her first child, and together we’d shared stories and blessings for her journey. We’d laughed, cried, and laughed some more, but now we were quiet.

Hello to a friend’s sweet baby. (2012)

We were listening to a young woman who shared that she and her husband wouldn’t be having children. Her story moved us all. But she didn’t just focus on herself; she encouraged the mother-to-be, offering help and support.

Afterward, I made sure to say hello to her and tell her how much I appreciated what she’d said. (Out of about twenty women, only a trio of us weren’t mothers, so I felt a sense of solidarity.)

“Oh,” she said, with a downward glance, “I wouldn’t have said so much if I hadn’t been drinking the wine.” Translation: I just bared my heart to this group, and now I’m feeling pretty darn insecure about it. It’s cover-up time.

“But what you said was real,” I told her. “It meant something to me and to everyone else, because it came from your heart.”

“Oh, well …” she trailed off. By then, other women had joined our conversation. They were nodding; they’d felt the power of her sharing.

She didn’t believe us. “Thanks, but … ” she said. Her ‘mask’ slipped again as she said, “Really, though. If I’m not a mother, what do I have to offer here?”

At that point, another women pulled me aside, and the conversation ended. It was probably for the best; if we hadn’t been interrupted, I might have said, “Are you kidding?!”

What I think the woman meant was, Since I’m not a mom, what do I have to offer this circle of mothers? And her tone of voice implied that the answer was, Nothing. Nothing at all. 

Despite the evidence, she didn’t believe that her contribution was valued. Her feelings of insufficiency ran deep. To understand them, I had to search my own heart.

***

At home together, 2013

Her words have haunted me, and I’m starting to understand why. It was easy for me to recognize that this lovely woman wasn’t seeing herself clearly. But then, how many times have I been discouraged, dismissing my contribution? How many times have I thought to myself …

If I’m not a full-time caregiver anymore, does my work still have meaning?

If I don’t get this job, win this person’s approval, or pass this test, am I a failure?

How many times have I conflated my value as a human being with what I accomplish?

Furthermore, how many times have I seen others make judgments about the value of individuals with autism and special needs? How many times have I come up against the implicit question: If this person doesn’t have so-called ‘normal’ abilities and aptitudes, what can they possibly contribute?

And I cannot begin to change the world until I do the work of eradicating these lies from my own heart.

***

I have just one request to make of you: go through your day believing that you are a beloved child. If you start slipping, ask yourself: Do I question the worth of a newborn baby (or even a puppy or kitten), just because that being doesn’t ‘contribute’ in a measurable way?

Sure, my husband and I joke about our kitten, Bootsie, not ‘pulling her weight’ in our household. But we laugh about it precisely because it’s so ridiculous. Bootsie contributes to our home and happiness every day, just by being herself.

What if we walked around with the same assurance? What if we trusted that, no matter what we did or didn’t accomplish today, we would still be worthy of love? How freeing would that be? And, paradoxically, how much more would we be empowered to … well … give?

This is what I wish I could have said to that wonderful woman I met at the party. But maybe I wasn’t meant to give her my words. Maybe I was meant to give her the look of honest, unfettered disbelief I felt on my face.

Maybe incredulity was the best answer after all.

***

Fed up with an ‘impossible’ sibling? Tired of a family situation that may never change?

Pick up I Was a Stranger to Beauty (ThinkPiece Publishing).

*If you don’t have a Kindle, don’t worry! You can use Amazon’s (free) Kindle Cloud Reader.

More New Posts from Yours Truly:

Upcoming speaking engagements – if you’re in the area(s), I’d love to see you there!

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