A Wish Come Clear

Choosing Love, Losing Fear, & Finding Home

Forget Superman: Let Me Tell You About A Real Hero

It’s rare that I come away from a L’Arche supper feeling unsettled. If you’ve been a reader here for some time, you know that I usually come away feeling comforted and inspired. But this week was different.

Part of it was because I wasn’t feeling well. But part of it was because two of my dinner companions kept up a running commentary of not-so-subtle digs at various L’Arche members. I could tell that it was meant to be funny, and I knew that I was tired and out of sorts. So rather than risk being rude, I kept my mouth shut.

To clarify, I should say that people at L’Arche do often have a fond, bantering familiarity with core members and assistants alike. They exude the kind of joking playfulness that characterizes healthy, authentic families. I wanted to experience that when I listened to my dinner companions last week, but their jests didn’t sit right with me. They kept tip-toeing the line between informality and insult. And then it happened.

From across the table, Leo* pointed to the near-empty pitcher of cranberry juice. When he tried to ask for the juice, he said something like, “Um…that…please.” Though his words were not specific, it was clear to everyone what Leo meant. And, as is sometimes the case when Leo hasn’t expressed himself clearly, the person next to me asked him to try again. But to my ears, his way of asking Leo was all wrong.

To his credit, Leo did try again, with a small smile. This time, he said something like, “I want the…looks like cherries… Juice. Please.”

The problem was that as Leo was saying this — as he was trying to articulate what he wanted– the person next to me had already stopped listening; perhaps he thought Leo was done trying. In one of Leo’s pauses, he said, in a sarcastic tone, “Yeah. So. This is the day we learn words.”

Silence.

I thought I must have heard him incorrectly, but then I saw his face. He knew he had crossed a line.

Leo finished his sentence. I could not think of one good thing to say; my mind hadn’t caught up with the hurt in my heart. Yet I had to affirm Leo, somehow. Perhaps it was an attempt at diplomacy, perhaps it was cowardice on my part. But what I do know is that, in that moment, I couldn’t confront the comment itself.

“Well, good guess,” I said to Leo, weakly. “The carton does make it look like it’s cherries.” Others chimed in, “Yeah! But it’s cranberry.” Leo poured the juice; he seemed unperturbed.

After the meal, I walked upstairs and stood in the hall, near Leo’s room. We usually read together on Thursday nights, but I’d come upstairs to tell him that, since I wasn’t feeling well that night, I’d have to head home instead. But something made me pause. Instead of going in, I lingered in the hallway.

Leo’s door was open, and I could hear his TV. He was scrolling through the channels, and sound bites floated in and out. He seemed to settle on a station; a public service announcement began. The words seemed to hover in the air: “… is a life-threatening, often-fatal disease…Know the risks and warning signs of…”

There was a rustling sound, then a click as Leo changed the channel mid-word. I felt my stomach get rubbery. In that moment, I could feel exactly why that comment at the dinner table had been so awful.

Sometimes I forget that Leo almost died when he was young. Sometimes I forget that his mother, who has long since passed, patiently taught him to read when teachers had given up. Sometimes I forget that he was harassed and treated with cruelty; that he can still describe, in vivid, painful detail, the kids who would torment him and steal his lunch money decades ago.

Sometimes I forget that Leo has had to fight for every single word he knows. 

But in that moment when Leo changed the channel, it all came rushing back to me. And I wanted to weep — for Leo, who has had too many people make jokes at his expense. For the person who made the comment that night. For myself, because I hadn’t found the words to stand up for my friend.

I can’t go back in time and say what I should have said. But what I can do is take those words that were meant as a mockery and transform them. I can harness the energy of forgiveness and say…

“This is the day we learn words.”

This is the day we learn that what we say has power.

(We can bless others with our words, or we can cut them down.)

 This is the day we learn to speak kindly, because every person deserves respect.

(When we mock others, we’re hiding our own fears and vulnerabilities.)

 This is the day we tell the stories of everyday heroes like Leo, who are more courageous than we know.

This is the day we speak up on their behalf, because there are times when silence is a lie.

 This is the day we learn words. 

***

I love hearing comments from readers. Please leave your thoughts below!

***

Tomorrow, Love’s Subversive Stance will launch for those on the advance notification list. In this book, we’ll ask the question:  how can we honor our passions and our caregiving relationships at the same time? In loving someone with intellectual challenges, how can we become more fully ourselves?

This book is NOT a quick-fix. Instead, it’s about telling true stories…the sort of stories that allow you to become rooted and grow. It’s about examining the seemingly insignificant details of your day, and seeing what they say about you and your relationships. It’s about finding ways to grow right where you are.

In short, Love’s Subversive Stance is about getting rooted and going deep with your most challenging relationships. And I’m so excited to share it with you!

If you’re on the advance notification list, you’ll receive an email with the link you’ll need to access the book at the special rate. For those who aren’t on the list, fear not– the general launch is coming your way this Thursday!

Finally, if you enjoyed this post, consider receiving new posts via email. You’ll also receive a free copy of “Your Creed of Care: How To Dig For Treasure In People (Without Getting Buried Alive).”


*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

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20 Replies

  1. SangD

    This is truly an amazing story in so many ways. One – being that people really do not know when to shut their mouths and realize what another person was/is going through. Karma is not a good thing. Two – you have a big heart, you have compassion, and I know you would be on my side.

    I am sure that Leo knows that too. He knows in his heart, you are there for him – and while I understand wanting to go back and stand up for him – being by his side means the world to him.

    LOVE how you turned the negative into a positive – my daughter and I were just talking about that this week!

    Great post! I look forward to reading more! <3

    1. Thank you so much, Sang! I appreciate the assurance you offer, and I’m glad the post connected well with what you and your daughter were experiencing this week! :)

  2. Right now, all I can say is, thank you.
    Thank you to Leo, for being so brave, patient and kind… thank you to the person who now knows the power of his words…thank you, Caroline, for seeing the life lesson and translating it so beautifully.
    Tara recently posted..Under A December Morning Sky

    1. You are most welcome, Tara; I always love seeing your comments. (Also, the Skywatch Friday idea is lovely!) Thank you again, my friend.

  3. Meggieblonde

    …Sadly, I’m not too surprised that that comment was made…thinking of several times in the past several months when a simple “That was rude and just plain wrong. Stop.” should have come out of my mouth. I hope you’re able to share this with the house or that person in particular. Such capacity for beauty and change there, acknowledgement of vulnerability….

    Thanks for honoring our friend (and his the legacy of his awesome momma!) with this story and countless others. Coffee around Christmas time? We’ll set an EXACT time and date!!

    1. Thanks for sharing, Megan ~ I know the feeling, & hope that, somehow, this can be a catalyst for positive change. (& yes, I could go for a Christmastime coffee.)

  4. Pegga

    Caroline, this brought tears to my eyes. If everybody on Earth had as much compassion as you have in your left thumb, we’d have world peace! You nailed this topic. Thank you.

    1. Ha! What a great compliment. Thank YOU, Pegga.

  5. Shame on the shamer! I was touched by this. Thank you for writing and sharing.
    When a disability inhibits information processing or expression, I believe it is as dehabilitating or more than a physical challenge…and so painful.

    Since the Word was God, is God, and with God, in other words, words come from God’s origination, they are powerful!

    We need to watch our mouths.

    1. They are powerful, indeed. I’m glad the post spoke to you, Susan.

  6. Great post here. My real life hero, though trite is my mother. Like Leo things happened in her childhood which would have caused others to give up but she worked hard and became a company director with two kids.

    From the age of 9-15 she was sexually abused by her brother, and subjected to inconceivable levels of guilt as a result, she has suffered mental illness on account of this experience. I feel that many would have taken the ultimate sacrifice to escape that help, but she is still in regular contact with my uncle and has forgiven him for the wrongs which have repeatedly blighted her life.

    I love her.

    1. What a powerful story, Christopher, and thank you for sharing it here. (Your mother does, indeed, sound like an amazing woman.) Thank you again!

  7. Metod

    Really touching story Caroline.
    Why do some people still believe that someone who is mentally slow or handicapped does not suffer as deeply? Those in the special needs community truly are some of the most loving and compassionate people in the world. I know, I met some.
    If only we’d have more people like you in the world Caroline.
    Thank you.

    1. Metod, I appreciate your questions & your comment ~ the response to this post has been amazing. As unsettling as the experience was, sharing it with the AWCC community has been so encouraging. Thank you!

  8. Thanks Caroline! You are a rock star!

    1. …says the ORIGINAL rockstar! ;) Thank you, Dorothy.

  9. Thank you so much for posting this, it is amazing how much love shines through this post. Thank you for having the courage to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. And thank you for the reminder that our words have more power than we may realize.

    1. Well said, Alicia. Thank you for that affirmation!

  10. How often have I myself wished that my mouth came with a “preview” function, so I could SEE what effect that oh-so-witty comeback really has on people before I let loose with it. Words DO matter. They matter a lot. And yours are beautiful.
    Annie Sisk (Pajama Productivity) recently posted..101 Easy-Breezy Ways to Get Your Creativity On

    1. What a great idea, Annie! I know the feeling. Thank you for reading; I’m glad the words resonated with you!